Dumb as a Bag of Rocks, by Wilbur Duck

Hello, all you folks out there in vacuumland. I have a story for our troubled times.

I received a press release this morning, tucked in through the mail slot.  Now for a newspaper to get a press release isn’t unusual, although we do tend to get them by email or snail mail.  Rarely through the mail slot. when I opened the door to see who my benefactor was, no one was there, although I heard the rumble and pinging of a car with a muffler problem tearing down the road.

I opened the press release.  I've decided to print it as received, for your edification, and then planned to follow up with a story about it,  After all, newspapering is my business.

The press release came from a local militia group calling itself the White Nation Warriors.

The heading reads:  “Coronavirus is a Zionist/Asian Plot, We won’t take it lying down.”

I looked at the list of names that were identified as members of the Board of this group; they actually had printed up stationery, with all their little offices on it- probably even got themselves business cards.  A regular little operation.

Now, I know some of these boys, known them all their lives.  They aren't inherently bad or evil.  Just lazy, intellectually lazy.  Some of them went to school with my kids. Most days, you actually can find them lying down in the backyard of Mel’s Hardware and Elite Pub, down on Cherry Street, behind the gas station.  Lying down and nursing beers and perceived grievances.

Here is the rest of the Press Release, just as I received it.  No spellcheck for these guys.

“We believe that the Coronavirus is really an attempted coupe by Zionist elements, working in conjunction with commy Chinese, to take over America by weakening the manhood of American patriots, for the purpose of changing our lifestyle and cuisine.

All good American white men and patriots won’t stand for this.  The White Nation Warriors intend to stop this in its tracks, and will be implementing Operation Blowback at a time and date to be announced.

For further information, please call 823 977-0091, and ask for any White Nation Warrior.  If we are unavailable, leve a massage with Mel.  And don’t forget to leve a number where you can be reached.

Thank you.
Signed Dowel Murphy, acting Sgt, WHite Nation Warriors

Our motto:  If it ain’t white, it ain’t right.”

Now I thought this was an interesting manifesto, and it got my reportial juices flowing.

I immediately dialed the number, and although Mel answered, he gave me over to Dowel.  We had the following conversation- which I will transcribe verbatim, in the interest of capturing it accurately.

“Hello, is this Dowel?”
“Who wants to know?’
“Dowel, this is Wilbur Duck, down at the End Times Picayune and Gazette.  I have your press release here, and I thought I’d work up a little story about it for the readers.
“Oh, hello, Mr. Duck.  You really wanna put us in the newspapers?  You wanna right about Operation Blowback? That’s great!  HEY GUYS, WE’RE GONNA BE IN THE PAPERS, now pipe down so I can be interviewed proper. How can I help you, Mr. Duck?”
"Well, Dowel, it says here that you boys feel like this whole Coronavirus pandemic is actually a nefarious plot to take over the United States.  Do I have that right?
“Mr. Duck, if the word nefarious means Jews and Chineses, yes sir we do believe that, for certain.”
"Exactly how did you arrive at this conclusion.., Do you have evidence to support your claim?“
“We do.  Frist we heard it on the radio.  That Alan Smith guy, the one who shouts and cries a lot.  He said it.”

I suspected I knew who he was referring to.

"You sure that this is part of a conspiracy, Dowel?"
"Absolutely, Mr. Duck.  I mean it's on the radio.  Of course it's true."
"Well, Dowel, as a reporter, I always try to get a second source- do you have one for this theory?"
"Of course, Mr. Duck.  It's also on the internet."
"On the internet."
"Yes sir, it's on a news site called 'The White Pages'. If it's on the internet, it must be true, right?."

I could see where this was going.

"Ok, Dowel. You said you had a plan. Anything you care to share with the readers?"
"Absolutely. We are gonna sneak up on Jews and people of the Asian persuasion.  And breathe on them.  Maybe even spit on them.  We'll infect them before they infect us."

"Dowel, umm.  Clearly, you've been doing some thinking about this. I have two questions for you."
"Ask away, Mr. Duck."
"The first, is that if you plan to sneak up on people, how will you know they are the people you are looking to infect, and not innocent bystanders?"

Dowel thought about that one for a moment.

"Well, that would be easy.  The Jews will be wearing those little napkins on their heads.  We might even see their horns, if we get close enough.  And the Asians will all look yellow."

I could also see where that was going, and I didn't want to go there.

"My second question, Dowel, is exactly how they will catch this virus by you all spitting on them?"
"That's easy, Mr. Duck.  They'll get the infection, cos you get it through stuff like fluids.  And we can always touch them if we get close enough."

I hated to be the one to break the news to him, but I felt a responsibility to do so.

"Dowel- you know how this virus works, right?  If you are gonna give the virus to someone, you have to be a carrier.  That means you have to have the virus, in order to transmit it."

There was a very pregnant pause.

"Mr. Duck, are you sure about that?  I mean, it didn't say that on the website. About needing to have the virus in order to give it to someone.  Are you sure?"
"Dowel, I am absolutely sure about that."

Another pause.Then I could hear him muffle the phone.

"Hey guys, umm, we gotta come up with a new plan.  There's a problem with the spitting idea. A big problem."

He returned to the phone.

"Um, Mr. Duck, if you could hold up writing the article for a bit, we got some planning to do. How about I get back to you."
"Sure, Dowel.  You can reach me at the office when you are ready to share your new plan."

I've decided that there is just enough news in this story to run it as it is.  We'll run part two after Dowel and his boys figure out their next strategy.

Good Lord, see what we have wrought...