Hello, all you folks out there in vacuumland. I have a story for our troubled times.
I received a press release this morning, tucked in through the mail slot. Now for a newspaper to get a press release isn’t unusual, although we do tend to get them by email or snail mail. Rarely through the mail slot. when I opened the door to see who my benefactor was, no one was there, although I heard the rumble and pinging of a car with a muffler problem tearing down the road.
I opened the press release. I've decided to print it as received, for your edification, and then planned to follow up with a story about it, After all, newspapering is my business.
The press release came from a local militia group calling itself the White Nation Warriors.
The heading reads: “Coronavirus is a Zionist/Asian Plot, We won’t take it lying down.”
I looked at the list of names that were identified as members of the Board of this group; they actually had printed up stationery, with all their little offices on it- probably even got themselves business cards. A regular little operation.
Now, I know some of these boys, known them all their lives. They aren't inherently bad or evil. Just lazy, intellectually lazy. Some of them went to school with my kids. Most days, you actually can find them lying down in the backyard of Mel’s Hardware and Elite Pub, down on Cherry Street, behind the gas station. Lying down and nursing beers and perceived grievances.
Here is the rest of the Press Release, just as I received it. No spellcheck for these guys.
“We believe that the Coronavirus is really an attempted coupe by Zionist elements, working in conjunction with commy Chinese, to take over America by weakening the manhood of American patriots, for the purpose of changing our lifestyle and cuisine.
All good American white men and patriots won’t stand for this. The White Nation Warriors intend to stop this in its tracks, and will be implementing Operation Blowback at a time and date to be announced.
For further information, please call 823 977-0091, and ask for any White Nation Warrior. If we are unavailable, leve a massage with Mel. And don’t forget to leve a number where you can be reached.
Thank you.
Signed Dowel Murphy, acting Sgt, WHite Nation Warriors
Our motto: If it ain’t white, it ain’t right.”
Now I thought this was an interesting manifesto, and it got my reportial juices flowing.
I immediately dialed the number, and although Mel answered, he gave me over to Dowel. We had the following conversation- which I will transcribe verbatim, in the interest of capturing it accurately.
“Hello, is this Dowel?”
“Who wants to know?’
“Dowel, this is Wilbur Duck, down at the End Times Picayune and Gazette. I have your press release here, and I thought I’d work up a little story about it for the readers.
“Oh, hello, Mr. Duck. You really wanna put us in the newspapers? You wanna right about Operation Blowback? That’s great! HEY GUYS, WE’RE GONNA BE IN THE PAPERS, now pipe down so I can be interviewed proper. How can I help you, Mr. Duck?”
"Well, Dowel, it says here that you boys feel like this whole Coronavirus pandemic is actually a nefarious plot to take over the United States. Do I have that right?
“Mr. Duck, if the word nefarious means Jews and Chineses, yes sir we do believe that, for certain.”
"Exactly how did you arrive at this conclusion.., Do you have evidence to support your claim?“
“We do. Frist we heard it on the radio. That Alan Smith guy, the one who shouts and cries a lot. He said it.”
I suspected I knew who he was referring to.
"You sure that this is part of a conspiracy, Dowel?"
"Absolutely, Mr. Duck. I mean it's on the radio. Of course it's true."
"Well, Dowel, as a reporter, I always try to get a second source- do you have one for this theory?"
"Of course, Mr. Duck. It's also on the internet."
"On the internet."
"Yes sir, it's on a news site called 'The White Pages'. If it's on the internet, it must be true, right?."
I could see where this was going.
"Ok, Dowel. You said you had a plan. Anything you care to share with the readers?"
"Absolutely. We are gonna sneak up on Jews and people of the Asian persuasion. And breathe on them. Maybe even spit on them. We'll infect them before they infect us."
"Dowel, umm. Clearly, you've been doing some thinking about this. I have two questions for you."
"Ask away, Mr. Duck."
"The first, is that if you plan to sneak up on people, how will you know they are the people you are looking to infect, and not innocent bystanders?"
Dowel thought about that one for a moment.
"Well, that would be easy. The Jews will be wearing those little napkins on their heads. We might even see their horns, if we get close enough. And the Asians will all look yellow."
I could also see where that was going, and I didn't want to go there.
"My second question, Dowel, is exactly how they will catch this virus by you all spitting on them?"
"That's easy, Mr. Duck. They'll get the infection, cos you get it through stuff like fluids. And we can always touch them if we get close enough."
I hated to be the one to break the news to him, but I felt a responsibility to do so.
"Dowel- you know how this virus works, right? If you are gonna give the virus to someone, you have to be a carrier. That means you have to have the virus, in order to transmit it."
There was a very pregnant pause.
"Mr. Duck, are you sure about that? I mean, it didn't say that on the website. About needing to have the virus in order to give it to someone. Are you sure?"
"Dowel, I am absolutely sure about that."
Another pause.Then I could hear him muffle the phone.
"Hey guys, umm, we gotta come up with a new plan. There's a problem with the spitting idea. A big problem."
He returned to the phone.
"Um, Mr. Duck, if you could hold up writing the article for a bit, we got some planning to do. How about I get back to you."
"Sure, Dowel. You can reach me at the office when you are ready to share your new plan."
I've decided that there is just enough news in this story to run it as it is. We'll run part two after Dowel and his boys figure out their next strategy.
Good Lord, see what we have wrought...
Thursday, March 26, 2020
Monday, March 23, 2020
A Guide to Dating During the Pandemic, by Dr. Albie Pearson
The glass is half full, or it's half empty. It's all a matter of perspective.
In my book, "The Glass is Half Full, or it's Half Empty. It's All a Matter of Perspective" (available on-line) I go into this in greater depth. About your perspective.
Some people see this pandemic as setting limits on them. Others see it as an opportunity.
What has all this to do with dating during the pandemic?
Opportunity.
It's so important during these difficult days to try to keep a stiff upper lip, to keep things as normal as possible. And what could be more normal than dating on a Saturday night and hoping to get lucky? Because I continue to make a lot of money telling people to be optimistic, I see this pandemic as rife with opportunities.
Of course, safety first. The medical community has given us guidelines and it behooves us to follow them. The guidelines say we can't go to work, or move around in the community. And if we do move around, we need to stay six feet apart. It prohibits heavy breathing and the exchange of fluids- both of which are key components of an active dating life.
So how do we make it work?
Looking forward to a quiet romantic dinner? Send a pizza over to her or his house, stoke up the cell phone and dine virtually. Really feeling romantic? Wear skimpy and revealing clothing.
But you say you are old fashioned, and take out won't cut it? Simple. Order and send groceries to your beloved. They can wear skimpy clothes and prepare a lovely meal, all while you watch. And if there are leftovers, just put them in a tupperware container, and drop them off at your partners front door, ring the bell, and run away.
What about meeting people who you could potentially date? Well, the internet has been all over that for years, wink, wink. Need I say more?
As for intimacy- from whispering sweet nothings in her ear, to full on jello wrestling- well here is where we need to get creative. Again, the ability to interact sensually with one another over the internet is an art form that many of you have been practicing for years. (And don't send in any tips to this column, I am already in enough trouble with the FCC).
You can exchange pictures with one another. You can send amorous voice recordings across the internet. You can role play. You can even send naked pictures of people you aren't and make believe they are you. Although that only works very early in a relationship.
Not good enough?
Well, from here, you're on your own. But if you decide to sneak across town, toss a pebble at your paramours window and expose yourself when he or she answers, don't let the police catch you.
Opportunity. It isn't monkey business as usual, but we needn't celibate either.
In my next column, I'll talk about how to handle being trapped in a house with meddling in laws.
Be careful out there.
In my book, "The Glass is Half Full, or it's Half Empty. It's All a Matter of Perspective" (available on-line) I go into this in greater depth. About your perspective.
Some people see this pandemic as setting limits on them. Others see it as an opportunity.
What has all this to do with dating during the pandemic?
Opportunity.
It's so important during these difficult days to try to keep a stiff upper lip, to keep things as normal as possible. And what could be more normal than dating on a Saturday night and hoping to get lucky? Because I continue to make a lot of money telling people to be optimistic, I see this pandemic as rife with opportunities.
Of course, safety first. The medical community has given us guidelines and it behooves us to follow them. The guidelines say we can't go to work, or move around in the community. And if we do move around, we need to stay six feet apart. It prohibits heavy breathing and the exchange of fluids- both of which are key components of an active dating life.
So how do we make it work?
Looking forward to a quiet romantic dinner? Send a pizza over to her or his house, stoke up the cell phone and dine virtually. Really feeling romantic? Wear skimpy and revealing clothing.
But you say you are old fashioned, and take out won't cut it? Simple. Order and send groceries to your beloved. They can wear skimpy clothes and prepare a lovely meal, all while you watch. And if there are leftovers, just put them in a tupperware container, and drop them off at your partners front door, ring the bell, and run away.
What about meeting people who you could potentially date? Well, the internet has been all over that for years, wink, wink. Need I say more?
As for intimacy- from whispering sweet nothings in her ear, to full on jello wrestling- well here is where we need to get creative. Again, the ability to interact sensually with one another over the internet is an art form that many of you have been practicing for years. (And don't send in any tips to this column, I am already in enough trouble with the FCC).
You can exchange pictures with one another. You can send amorous voice recordings across the internet. You can role play. You can even send naked pictures of people you aren't and make believe they are you. Although that only works very early in a relationship.
Not good enough?
Well, from here, you're on your own. But if you decide to sneak across town, toss a pebble at your paramours window and expose yourself when he or she answers, don't let the police catch you.
Opportunity. It isn't monkey business as usual, but we needn't celibate either.
In my next column, I'll talk about how to handle being trapped in a house with meddling in laws.
Be careful out there.
Movie Review, by Rex Rex
Ummm. Movies are shut down for the foreseeable future.
I will retitle this column DVD REVIEWS, and start looking through my collection. I'll be back shortly...
Your Neighborhood Gossip, by Auntie Gloria
Well, hello everybody! Auntie Gloria here. I'm so pleased that Wilbur Duck has asked me to come out of retirement to write this column. Although the pandemic has pinched a lot of our lives, there's always a place for some good gossip. And do I have some for you!
I've been keeping my eyes and ears open...
Hey, was that Hector Reilly I saw walking down Pleasant Street yesterday? Didn't look like his feet were touching the sidewalk, and he had that goofy smile on his face, even after he walked smack into that mailbox on the corner. I wonder if it has anything to do Ella Bachelor, who was walking right there with him, six feet behind him? She'll make a beautiful bride, Hector, don't wait too long to pop the question!
And the buzz around here is that You Know Who is expecting... yet again. Half the families in town must have a puppy from one of her litters, and she's apparently getting ready to give the other half of town a puppy each their own. Really, Ben Smith, you need to patch that hole in your fence before You Know Who gets out and does 'you know what' with the Morgan's lab again. I swear, that dog of their's is hornier than Uncle Ab after he's had two dozen oysters at Buck a Shuck night at Del Bello's!
Well, the pandemic has certainly wrecked a lot of plans for this spring. The Elks club has had to cut back their customer hours- to none. Although they are offering take-out beer. So all of you Best People on Earth, Chester Bennett says 'come on down, we're still pouring- you just have to bring your own mug, we'll top it off, and then you can just get the hell away!' That Chester sure knows how to pitch an invite, doesn't he?
The Y has cancelled their ballroom dancing class for the next two weeks. They will be offering a modern solo dance class starting next Sunday.
And speaking of Sunday's, hasn't this pandemic put a crimp in the holier than though crowd! People are getting creative, though. I heard that Reverend Stent tried one of those on-line applications to run a service electronically last Sunday. He was halfway through his homily, when apparently a certain senior citizen who lives in assisted housing over at Brookview took off all his clothes on camera and started to, you know! Went straight from family viewing to X rated!
Well, I have to save a few little nuggets for the next column. Til then, remember to keep your eyes and ears open, and Auntie Gloria on speed dial if you see anything out there that's 'gossip-worthy'!
I've been keeping my eyes and ears open...
Hey, was that Hector Reilly I saw walking down Pleasant Street yesterday? Didn't look like his feet were touching the sidewalk, and he had that goofy smile on his face, even after he walked smack into that mailbox on the corner. I wonder if it has anything to do Ella Bachelor, who was walking right there with him, six feet behind him? She'll make a beautiful bride, Hector, don't wait too long to pop the question!
And the buzz around here is that You Know Who is expecting... yet again. Half the families in town must have a puppy from one of her litters, and she's apparently getting ready to give the other half of town a puppy each their own. Really, Ben Smith, you need to patch that hole in your fence before You Know Who gets out and does 'you know what' with the Morgan's lab again. I swear, that dog of their's is hornier than Uncle Ab after he's had two dozen oysters at Buck a Shuck night at Del Bello's!
Well, the pandemic has certainly wrecked a lot of plans for this spring. The Elks club has had to cut back their customer hours- to none. Although they are offering take-out beer. So all of you Best People on Earth, Chester Bennett says 'come on down, we're still pouring- you just have to bring your own mug, we'll top it off, and then you can just get the hell away!' That Chester sure knows how to pitch an invite, doesn't he?
The Y has cancelled their ballroom dancing class for the next two weeks. They will be offering a modern solo dance class starting next Sunday.
And speaking of Sunday's, hasn't this pandemic put a crimp in the holier than though crowd! People are getting creative, though. I heard that Reverend Stent tried one of those on-line applications to run a service electronically last Sunday. He was halfway through his homily, when apparently a certain senior citizen who lives in assisted housing over at Brookview took off all his clothes on camera and started to, you know! Went straight from family viewing to X rated!
Well, I have to save a few little nuggets for the next column. Til then, remember to keep your eyes and ears open, and Auntie Gloria on speed dial if you see anything out there that's 'gossip-worthy'!
The Rest of You Can Run, the Duck Stays
Hello, everyone. My name is Wilbur Duck, and I am the publisher and editor of The End Days Picayune and Gazette.
For many years, I plied my trade as reporter and editor for a variety of small-town newspapers, like the Wyalusing Rocket, the Granite Junction Enquirer, and the Tuscaloosa Democrat and Republican.
I didn't win any Pulitzer Prizes, but I was an honest journalist, working with the facts, and I wasn't ever run out town either.
I retired about ten years ago. At least that was the plan. Plans change.
You know, during that time, I've seen many a small town newspaper disappear. I think that is a loss to any community; I'm not so sure that social media has exactly filled the gap. Well, it may be filling some part of the gap, but there's already enough manure out there. Think about it- if old Ben Stiles was always a bullshitter and a liar, do you think that he's reformed and posting truth and honesty on social media?
You get my point.
In times like this- war, pandemic, a republican presidency- the truth is critical to the continuing functions of a democracy. And it's a bit hard to come by.
The pandemic times are hard enough to push me to do something other than fish and play with the grandkids. Something I know how to do.
So here you have The End Days Picayune and Gazette. A little bit of truth, a few tall tales, a recipe or two, and a heaping portion of entertainment- a slice of life while we shelter in place for the foreseeable future. I've got a whole collection of writers and columnists sitting in the dark in front of their keyboards, ready to write like there's no tomorrow for all you readers out there in vacuum-land.
Remember- I'm not responsible for what they write, but I'll defend to the very last hair on our president's tiny head their right to say it. And your right not to read it.
Let's have at it, folks- Welcome to The End Times...
Editorially, Wilbur Duck
For many years, I plied my trade as reporter and editor for a variety of small-town newspapers, like the Wyalusing Rocket, the Granite Junction Enquirer, and the Tuscaloosa Democrat and Republican.
I didn't win any Pulitzer Prizes, but I was an honest journalist, working with the facts, and I wasn't ever run out town either.
I retired about ten years ago. At least that was the plan. Plans change.
You know, during that time, I've seen many a small town newspaper disappear. I think that is a loss to any community; I'm not so sure that social media has exactly filled the gap. Well, it may be filling some part of the gap, but there's already enough manure out there. Think about it- if old Ben Stiles was always a bullshitter and a liar, do you think that he's reformed and posting truth and honesty on social media?
You get my point.
In times like this- war, pandemic, a republican presidency- the truth is critical to the continuing functions of a democracy. And it's a bit hard to come by.
The pandemic times are hard enough to push me to do something other than fish and play with the grandkids. Something I know how to do.
So here you have The End Days Picayune and Gazette. A little bit of truth, a few tall tales, a recipe or two, and a heaping portion of entertainment- a slice of life while we shelter in place for the foreseeable future. I've got a whole collection of writers and columnists sitting in the dark in front of their keyboards, ready to write like there's no tomorrow for all you readers out there in vacuum-land.
Remember- I'm not responsible for what they write, but I'll defend to the very last hair on our president's tiny head their right to say it. And your right not to read it.
Let's have at it, folks- Welcome to The End Times...
Editorially, Wilbur Duck
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